I like it when you stare into my eyes and hold my hand...

Please dont stop.

anyone out there want to tell me what love is?

and if it exists?

cause im stuck

...

Duarte Sousa

Do NOT read this if you dont think you can handle it. I do go into detail about my uncles death.

Here we go...

where do i begin? from the beginning i guess...

My uncle meant more than you can imagine to me... He was someone i looked forward to seeing all the time because I wasn't able to see him everyday. He lived in Toronto. He was the most outgoing, crazy, energetic, funniest person I had ever known. He meant the world to me, almost like a second father but not really. He was the one person our entire family looked forward to seeing on christmas day and halloween or anytime for that matter. His smile lit up a room. My uncle was gay. so we constantly had to meet the new guys he was dating. some of them were nice some not so much. He had an amazing career, a lot of money and what seemed to be a perfect life. Im going to try to get the facts straight but i dont have an amazing memory. I believe he was diagnosed with aids somewhere around the age of twenty. And i guess that and the pressure of him being gay in such a homopohobic world, his boyfriend dating him for money, and becoming bank rupt...Life wasn't as perfect as i thought it was. But still...he was the kind of person that treated everyday like it was his last. He didnt take it for granted. He was always happy and loved his family so much. But what i was unaware of, was that he was not happy. And it wasnt the kind of not happy where you go to a therapist and talk about your feelings and then you're suddenly cured. it was not simple depression and a bowl of icecream couldnt help. This was the kind of not happy where the only possible way he could change his entire life...was to end it. I was around 13 to 14 years old so I couldnt imagine that kind of not happy. Can you imagine the feeling of hating your life SO much that you thought the only way you would be happy...the only way to get out of it was to die? Imagine having no choice but to just end your life. Imagine WANTING to die. You can imagine what my family and I was going through...to see someone so important to you want to die. your uncle, brother, or son...its the WORST feeling in the entire world. So to do that... my uncle decided to turn to Special K. "Ketamine hydrochloride was originally created for use as a human anaesthetic, and is still used as a general anaesthetic for children, persons of poor health, and in veterinary medicine. Ketamine belongs to a class of drugs called "dissociative anaesthetics," which separate perception from sensation."

Clearly Special K is not a safe drug. This is a type of drug that is used to put down animals as big as horses. Imagine putting that into a human body every single day for months. After taking special k for the few months, he became more sick than i had ever seen in my entire life. He refused medical attention and refused to talk to anyone. He hated anyone and everyone and would not eat. he didnt eat or bathe. He stayed home, sat in his bathroom naked, and every single night snorted Ketamine. So now imagine seeing one of your family members...especially one that you loved so much and meant so much to you...wanting to die and harming themselves like this. putting themselves through so much pain and watching them suffer. and you couldnt do ANYTHING about it. When there was nothing left to do, nothing we COULD do...

He was finally sent to a hospital. I demanded to see him the night they thought he would die because i didnt feel it was right to just not say goodbye. So i did. I went with my cousin, my uncle, my aunt, and her mother. I remember walking through that hospital like it was yesterday. Seeing all the sick, old people...thinking my uncle should not be on his death bed in a hospital at the age of 40. I broke down before i could even step in the room. So i took a few minutes with my cousin before i entered...and then when i was ready...I had never been so scared in my life to see someone. Because he didnt look like Duarte...he didnt look like my uncle. He laid there weighing 50 pounds...pale as a ghost. He couldnt move, he couldnt speak, he couldnt even open his eyes, he could only hear. So we all told him how much we loved him...let him know he would be missed... and right after my aunt had said I love you into his ear...He opened his mouth starting to say I, as if he wanted to say i love you too. You could tell he was fighting to speak...and at that moment the doctor rushed in because of his heart rate and my aunt screamed thinking he was about to die. I have never seen my aunt feel so much pain. It is a moment Ill never forget...

On decemeber 3rd 2005 my uncle Duarte Sousa died. And I had to watch.

There is not one day since that night i have gone without thinking about my uncle. He was my inspiration, he was someone i loved more than anything in the world. I coudlnt imagine a life without him but now i have to live without him. If i could go back, I would change that nightmare into a dream.

I love him very much and think of him every night. I could never forget such an amazing human being. He truly is an angel. An angel that will always be in my heart.

Dream...

If there is one thing i hate talking about with my friends, its my uncle.

The past two days he has come into conversation and for different reasons.

Yesterday my friends dog died after she had known him her entire life. She had to hold him in her arms as he died...She cried a lot that day. And crying is contageous so you know what happened next...

Today i was talking to Anna about my art project. Which i decided to paint or draw something to do with AIDs and incorporate my uncle into it in some way. So then she asked me how he died...it was hard but for once i didnt cry...

Honestly I just want to write an entire blog dedicated to him...

I need to let all of my feelings out.

Its been almost 5 years since I let all of my feelings out about the night he died.

Remember how i wish every day was a dream?

And nightmares never existed?

I wish December 3rd 2005 was a dream...

A fresh start

I like to think of every day i live as a dream.
Weird eh?
Some days can be an amazing dream that you dont want to end...
and when they're over you wish you could just rewind back to that dream.
And then some days are like nightmares. You want them to end as soon as possible, and sometimes it gets to the point where...
nothing could possibly be as bad as that nightmare you're in. nothing.
That is what i hate about life.
I hate the feeling of knowing there is always going to be a nightmare and you cant control it.
I wish i could control my life, i really do...
If i could control my life...and have every day become a dream...
Love would not be difficult. It would be like ...boy likes girl, girl likes boy. bam. love.
It would be that simple. There would be no such thing as heart break.
No one would have to know what it feels like to lose a loved one. People would live forever.
No one would take life for granted. And people would start caring about what really matters in life.
If i could make my entire life a dream rather than having a few nightmares here and there...i would...